Thursday 19 September 2013

The harsh light of a full day at school

Hey mamas and dads, any advice on how to help my L accept school as her new reality? 

Over the summer we read books about school and played school; she has teachers whom she knows; she has family friends in her class; she took classes and went to day camp to practice being away from Cand I; I acknowledge her anxiety and heartache; we reinforce all that she gets to do at school and still come home to do; she takes photos and mementos to school; we remind her how she didn't like staying home last year when her sister and her friends started school; I've stopped walking all the way into class with her and we do abbreviated goodbyes; her big sister has permission to have lunch with her if she wants it and talks to her about how to not feel sad from a kid's point if view; we have stickers for everyday she goes to school plus another one if she goes without crying; and more.

 But she goes to sleep anxious, she is sad in the mornings and she sobs for me for an hour at school. My social bouncy daughter is quiet and sometimes l find her lying in her bedroom floor staring into space with the oddest look on her face. and this isnt about being tired or needing to recharge. I know how she is when she is in need of that very important "me time". When I pick her up it takes until we are off school property and then she runs and dances with glee. 

We have individual expectations of our girls because they are so different in awesome ways. So we didnt expect L  to love school and learn how to read before the age of five. but she is more adept in social situations then R was at this age; and she comes home with some stories of playing with or talking to other kids. I suspected the reality of school every day would be surprising to L and I know it is only the third week of school but her heartache is palpable and it is taking all of my mama strength and mama logic to not keep her home with me when she cries out for me and wraps here tiny body around kind like a little monkey. 

I want to teach my girls that they can do hard things, that life isn't always easy and that new things are yards. I want to teach them to step up to the challenge and to understand that they can miss someone and survive and more importantly taut the person they love is still there for them emotionally even when separated physically. But isn't that a lot to ask of a four year old? Maybe L just isn't ready? Maybe being with her baby sister who howls and sobs for her at the morning drop off, who handed L her backpack when she started crying and said "home"; who calls out for her in the middle of the night-maybe keeping them together is more important right now. Because L is social and independent and smart and strong but right now she isn't acting like any of those things and I don't think she is feeling like she is any of those things.

So what's a mama to do? 

Tuesday 3 September 2013

Present Parenting or An $80,000 Dream.

With the Ontario Midwifery Student Conference a year behind me, that's how far removed from the MEP I am. Last year I was faced with a very significant decision about my status in the program. Now, while I had a year to actually confirm this decision; that's not really my style. I didn't want to spend every other weekend in angst over what to do, how to do it, and making pro/con lists that I recite out loud to Mark. Trust me when I tell you, he did not want me to go over this in angst either- funny, how he thought there were better ways to spend the few hours (minutes) alone that way.
Ironically, (in the true sense of the word), the conference sealed my fate.
We had a minor emergency situation at the conference last September, that leads me to believe that my heart made it's decision even as my head still struggled. I had made my first presentation( read about it here), gone for lunch with my daughters and Mark, caught up with friends, met new midwifery students, caught up with my (former) midwife and was prepping for my next presentation. And then my bouncy little L returned with Mark and R. She looked pale for my little brown baby and was shockingly still. In my bag of mama tricks I had ibuprofen and chocolate ( to keep her blood sugar and mood up!) and I quickly procured water and ice. Fifteen minutes later she was looking worse. So we left. The conference presentations were running long/late and there was no way I could concentrate knowing my little one was in pain. I informed the appropriate people. Or so I thought.

People were looking for me. The general impression I got was that a few folks had been unimpressed I'd left because of a sprained wrist. Which actually, thanks to my google diagnosis, was a dislocated elbow!!! My baby girl was in severe pain until the doc at th ER popped it back in for her. Had I forced her to stay so that I could have a few minutes of attention I would never have forgiven myself. I had to put her in the baby wrap to carry her back to the car because walking and the jarring motion of the stroller was too much for her. 

Here's the thing, if I'd been on-call and had been paged, I would have had to go. If I was at a birth, as a student, and had left for this minor emergency my grades would have been in jeopardy. I'm quite positive some of the other mama midwifery students would have made the same choice i did. But I'm equally positive many more would not have. L was after all, in the strong and loving hands of her daddy, and I had made a commitment so I should have stayed and transited or cabbed it back home with C. Or, I should have had back up care for C. Or, I should have let Mark handle R, L, and C on his own. And you know what, he could have. I trust him like no other with our children. But if I'd been on my own, I would have absolutely called him for advice at minimum and help with one or more girls if necessary. When we got in a fender bender last year, he dropped everything and came to get us even though he didn't "have to". I'm not quite sure I want to be in a situation, in a lifestyle, where I can't do the same for him. Where I can't be there for my girls.

That night I showed L and R images on-line of her elbow and explained what would happen. We made funny plans for her to sneak to Tim Horton's without me and R after she saw a doctor. R and I tidied , talked about how l wasn't going to the hospital because L wasn't sick and that her injury was minor so she might have to wait but ultimately, she'd be home pretty quickly and then we watched a movie together beside baby C. L came bouncing back in the house a couple of hours later. That's basic mama-ing I couldn't provide if I was in school. Make no mistake, Mark "had this". He totally would've handled the situation in his amazing Dad way. I mean,  this is the guy who told our kids their (dead) fish went on a sleepover at his fruend's house because our place was too cold! He's just awesome as a parent and I love being a patent by his side.

Flash forward to today, I'm desperately trying to get a hold of someone at the program so I can discuss my situation. I have friends in different stages of the program all of whom didn't find out until 2 weeks ago when their classes were and where they had to be (and at what time, as some of them have shift work coming up). Many of them have children, all of them have lives. Everyone was on hold from April and now, chaos! The program has asked me to come in to speak with them "hopefully that's not too much trouble." Um, yeah, it is! I have three kids, I'm 35 minutes away from campus on a good day but its September, so there is no good day or time. The roads are packed, with lane reductions and overwhelming heat. The transit parking lots are full and the bus is not conducive to managing three kids, a stroller and multiple backpacks and water bottles. Because when you travel with three kids, even for a 15 minute meeting 35 minutes away, there are always multiple backpacks and water bottles. 

So the situation has really solved itself. I'm not going back. I'm withdrawing, hopefully only for a couple more years but who knows. At this point it is hard to justify spending another 80k on myself which is money we don't have and money our girls could use for their post secondary education if we did have it. Or you know, we could pay off our mortgage before everyone starts migrating to the colonies in space.

The Cake Photos

Recently on Facebook, a photographer friend confessed to never taking photos of birthday cakes. I take pics of the awesome robot cakes Mark builds out of cakes I make; or of the girls baking cakes. But other then that, nope, no picture of the cake unless it is smooshed all over someone's face I'm not interested. My kids take pics of their cakes but who am I to stop them?

This led me to think of our wedding and wedding photography. We asked a good friend of ours to take pics -he's an artist and one of the few people we could trust to take good photos). One of our biggest concerns over wedding pictures was not getting the artsy ones. As in- we didn't  want the artsy ones! I don't need to pay someone an exorbitant amount of money ( and please understand, I have paid professional maternity and newborn shoots and would easily pay for more professional pics because I understand and respect the work and time and talent invested in a professional photographer and then stunning photos they produce) to take any of the following photos which I have seen and/or been a part of. And yes this sounds a bit judge but I'm referring to this current point and time. My wedding now, not my wedding pre-kids or in my twenties or with gobs of money to spend. 
-the cake at various angles and in various tones. Yes, I get it. Wedding cakes (edible or just mock cakes which I have seen) are works of art unto themselves. But I don't need a dozen pics of the cake from all angles and in sepia tones. Who wants to eat that?! And yet, I hope there is at least one photo of our wedding cake because we made that nine layer deliciousness ourselves! 
-the buffet table, the dessert spread, place settings, a slice cake with an artistic bite taken out of it
-other people's children doing cute things. Pay for your own family photo shoot people! I kid.  Sort of. But I didnt allow kids other then my own and one infant at my wedding.
-a close up of the ring, a flower, a hairpin. It's my ring, I will be wearing it daily. Where am I supposed to put a photo of it-eBay when I can't pay my bills?! Note: a close up of our hands with our rings on, I can live with that.
-shoes. Other than at a midwifery graduation here in Ontario where all the grads where red shoes, I don't understand this one. It's bad enough to take a close up of everyone's shoes in a circle at the wedding but I've had a photographer take a picture of Mark and I in our two tones and we are just guests at the wedding. Who pays for that?
-Mark leaping over anything or anyone
-Anyone holding up cutesy signs on over sized cue cards or under sized blackboards

Here's what I do want- photos capturing moments of us and our girls before, during and after the wedding. Mark and I together dancing, kissing ( tastefully. Because there are some rather graphic ones from a particularly boozy night in my iPhone). Us interacting with friends. Some wide angle party shots and some posed pics just to ensure they happen. Anything that captures who we are. And let's be honest, anything where I look awesome!



Help me, help you.

Jerry McGuire was in TV the other night, as I read and Mark Chanel surfed and so the title, as you know, is a quote from that movie. A little round about but appropriate here I think.

Before leaving for school this morning, we called R's best friend from grade one who has been away all summer. Like a-l-l summer. Her friend is the youngest of three girls and is a great kid, so are her sisters. We pass by their house on our way to school so thought it would be nice to meet up and walk together. Well, their mom was not happy at all that we called at 8:30 to see if they wanted to meet up in ten minutes. She was too busy getting them ready to talk. No worries. I don't quite get that, given my youngest is a toddler prone to hulking out, and we were, but whatever. As we pass their house, we see them leaving so we wait but then they go in/out a few times and then disappear into the garage. Not sure why anyone would drive to school on the first day if they can help it. Again, perhaps this is completely necessary. But when we get to school we see her friend arrive, her friend with whom she walked home with every day last year, who came to R's party and L's, her friend is so nervous and distraught (and likely exhausted from a long car drive home from the cottage last night, cuz why come home earlier? But a cottage owner I am not so perhaps there are mysterious rituals that need to happen on labour day-night that I am unaware of.) that she can barely crack a smile. This poor kid, who helped my kid gain some courage and independence last year, is devastated to learn she is not in class with any of her friends including my R - who at this point is surrounded by a group of girls and boys she knows, because when she tried to talk to her best friend, her friend was too anxious and upset to let go of her mom to socialize. So, "mom of the best friend", who's kids are older then mine and quite competent and nice because I've had them at my house, maybe next year, when your daughter's friend offers to meet up and walk to school with her, you should take thirty seconds to agree (or respond to the email from two weeks ago) so her transition back is even marginally less stressful. My kid did fine and I'm sure yours adapted but seriously lady, I'm not trying to bond with you, our kids are friends. Help me, help you. 

Monday 2 September 2013

Back to School: It's All About the Routines

This year is the first year of school for L. She's a bundle of energy but it will be a big change so we are keeping activities to a minimum with just skating lessons on Sunday afternoon and hopefully some fun swim times on Friday nights or Saturdays. We all love to walk and take photos, especially in cooler weather and the girls are still trying to learn to ride two wheelers. All of this on top of the to/from school walk which totals 3km.  So I'm not worried about physical activity. And this way the girls will have plenty of downtime, homework time, and plain old play time with C who adores them!

Starting the second last week in August I reset our alarms using current favourite songs. One for waking up, one for heading to breakfast, one to start getting ready to leave. By the first day of school even the toddler know what song signals "get your shoes on". It also helped get them used to waking up earlier (sort of).

One of the ways we helped L get ready for school for the first time was a couple of weeks at day camp. She loved it. Add this to the fact that she is going to have her big sister's kindergarten teacher, the familiarity of the room and the teacher, definitely helped appease the night- before jitters. We'll see how the first week goes!

Every Sunday morning, we check the weather together for the week & choose outfits for week including hair accessories and place them in hanging cubbies (one cubby for each school day). This way my girls have choices and control plus any favourite clothes still have time to be laundered. An added bonus is ensuring that they don't wear dresses or skirts on gym days (too young to change for gym) or that they have the right colours/outfits for School Spirit Days.

Every Sunday afternoon I chop up veggies and fruit and place in two big glass dishes in the fridge. The girls have labelled lock&lock containers they pack for the next day every evening before supper. Because after supper is way too hectic!

And finally, while likely an unpopular choice, we don't let the girls watch TV during the week. Between after school routines, homework, playing, supper, bath time, and reading. There just isn't the time. And no TV ( this includes YouTube, movies and screen-time games) means they go to sleep much easier.

There's a bakers rack for all their lunch containers, water bottles, and lunch bags. We have hooks for backpacks. And a document holder for forms with calendars on the fridge. School supplies are in the kitchen and the office do that they don't need to take their pencil case out of their bag which reduces the chance they will forget it at home. And homework is done in the kitchen.

Ultimately the best thing we have going for back to school running smoothly is that our girls are super excited about it and generally have a love of learning we hope will continue for many years. And on the days it doesn't, the routines will hold it together.